You have just lost a child. As you struggle to accept this difficult loss, you may find yourself consumed by pain, fear, and grief.
Grief is a natural response to losing someone who was important to you. Grief hurts, but it is necessary. When a death tears your world apart, grieving is the process that helps put it back together.
While grief is natural, it is also highly individual. How a person grieves depends on several factors. Your relationship with the person who died will certainly influence your grief, but so will your age, sex, religion, and previous experiences with death. The circumstances of death will also affect the intensity of your grief. In short, no one can tell you exactly how you will, or should, experience grief.
Reactions to Death
Certain reactions to the death of a loved one are quite common and you can
expect to experience some of them. You may go into shock. If the death was
unexpected, you may even find yourself denying at first that the person has
died. "You feel numb, you feel like a spectator watching what's going
on," explains Dr. Earl Grollman, noted author of books on death, dying and
bereavement. Grollman says this response is nature's way of protecting you, of
insulating you from what is happening.
Anger
Another immediate reaction to a death is anger. You may feel anger toward the
doctors or nurses who couldn't save your child, toward the funeral director and
toward God. You may even feel anger toward your child for leaving you.
Unfortunately, most of us were taught as children that anger is something to be
avoided; you may, therefore, feel guilty when your anger will not go away.
Guilt
You could find yourself feeling guilty for several reasons. It is common for a bereaved
person to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else has died. You
may believe you somehow should have prevented the death or should have been
present to say goodbye. There may be a tendency to dwell on an argument you had
with your child.
Depression
As the reality of a death sinks in, it is common for the bereaved to slip into depression. Even if you are normally a committed, caring person, you could find that you don't care about anything or anyone.
You may also feel helpless and childlike. When you lose someone close, you also experience "secondary losses" that accrue because of the death. When you lose a child, you lose out on many experiences and milestones you would have had together. You lose out on being a parent. These secondary losses can leave you feeling confused and panicky. For this reason, you should avoid making any major decisions. Try to postpone them until you can think more clearly and have a better idea of how your life is going to change.
Preoccupation
Another common reaction among grievers is preoccupation with the person who
died. You may think about him or her constantly, re-create the circumstances of
the death over and over in your mind, have dreams or nightmares about the
person-you may even think you see or hear the deceased. Many people are
surprised and frightened by the intensity of these reactions, but it's
important to realize that, bizarre as they may seem, these reactions are
normal.
The mental strain of grief can take a physical toll as well. It's not unusual for the bereaved to lose weight, have trouble sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath.
Coping with Grief
How can you overcome the problems of grief? You must first recognize that grief
is necessary, and that it is something you must work through. As Grollman says,
there is no shortcut through grief.
One of the best ways to begin working through grief is to attend the funeral. A funeral confirms the reality of death and serves as a focus for expressing feelings of loss. Funerals also stimulate mourners to begin talking about the deceased, one of the first steps toward accepting the death.
Both before and after the funeral, it is important that you express your feelings. Take time to cry and don't be afraid to share your tears with other mourners. Talk openly with family members and friends. Don't try to "protect" other family members by hiding your sadness: it helps them as much as it does you. Express your anger if you are feeling it. This is the time to lean on friends. They may feel awkward for a while because they don't know how to talk to you about your loss. But you can help them help you by simply telling them what you need.
Lighten
Your Schedule
If you normally have a pressing schedule, try to lighten it. Remember, grief is
mentally stressful; you don't need the added strain of too much work to do. Set
aside some quiet times for yourself, so you can think about the death and your
feelings and put things in perspective.
Watch
Your Health
Remember to watch your health. With grief taking a toll on you physically, you
need to eat well and get enough sleep. Try to exercise as well. Physical
activity can often help offset depression and provide an outlet for your
emotional energy.
Seek
Support
What if you can't seem to handle your grief? It is difficult to say when a
person needs professional help, but if you are worried that you aren't coping
with your grief, it is time to seek help. You may simply be relieved to
discover that you are reacting normally. If you believe you need help, ask your
clergyperson, doctor or funeral director to suggest a counselor.
Know
that Time Heals
Finally, remember that as time goes on, your grief will diminish. This does not
mean you will forget your child; it means you accept the death. But he or she
will still be part of your life. Even though your relationship with your child
has changed forever, its existence and your feelings live on forever.
Throughout this year we will send you biweekly grief newsletters. We hope these newsletters will help support you on your grief journey and help you to begin to process your grief.
If at any time you have questions or need some help, do not hesitate to reach out to our funeral home. We will be happy to help connect you with resources you may need.
