The loss of a parent brings about many challenging emotions. However, once the initial shock and grief subside, you may find you are grieving all over again. This is what is commonly called “secondary loss.”
The loss of a parent brings about many challenging emotions. However, once the initial shock and grief subside, you may find you are grieving all over again. This is what is commonly called "secondary loss.” Secondary loss is the grief we feel over the additional losses that result from a death.
Our parents bring us into the world, nurture us through childhood, guide and support us as we grow, and perhaps remain our principal advisors well into our adult years. You haven't just lost a parent, but also likely an advisor, role model, and friend. So once they die, we may find that we have lost more than just a parent. We have lost things like a support system, financial security, and maybe even our sense of self.
It's not unusual for adult children to still seek a parent's advice before they make large purchases or investments. Perhaps your parent was your counselor on child-rearing, relationships, cooking, or health. Once your parent is gone you have lost their wisdom and their listening ear.
For you and your siblings, the family home was probably the natural place for your reunions. Without your parent here to host, holiday gatherings may change or not even occur anymore.
Even if you were quite independent from your parents, you may still experience some kinds of secondary losses. You may have hoped to someday make your parents proud of your career accomplishments and now realized they won't see you fulfill those goals. You may also regret that your parent won't see your own children grow up.
If you are older, the death of a parent removes a psychological buffer between you and your own mortality. As your generation becomes the oldest in your family, you may be nagged with the feeling of "I'm next."
While dealing with secondary loss can be difficult, just as with your initial feelings of grief, it is perfectly normal. Talk to friends and family about your feelings and know that eventually, you will start to feel accustomed to this new stage of life.
